Wait, wut?

That’s right folks. We aren’t done.

Lindsay and I were talking about how much we missed sitting down and having time set aside to talk about things that are meaningful to us. Think of this new season as time with friends, discussing what it’s like to raise adult children, how to navigate topics like communication, staying close, making time, being friends, sex, self-reflection and more. Stay tuned for more information!

Where are the new episodes?

I am done with my deconstruction.

Ha! Stupid joke; of course I am not done with my deconstruction, rather, I think I am done “processing” it or perhaps better stated, I am done exploring the meaning of it for now. I might come back to it, and likely will, but I don’t think that will serve enough to continue recording episodes.

I found that the process of being so active on deconstruction was in fact, constructing new dogmas. The more I would pursue this internal process, I would find external structures, and my natural inclination is to organize and containerize my thoughts and feelings. It’s the exact opposite of what I am trying to set out to do—free myself from external systems placed (or in some ways, pressed) on me.

Lindsay and I did record another episode a while back, but in editing it, it felt like filler; like it was there just to fill space, and in the end, I didn’t want to publish something that didn’t fit or fill the original intended purpose of this podcast.

Right now, I consider the podcast complete; knowing that my deconstruction is not complete. More likely it will never be complete.

Thank you for listening and sharing your thoughts and feelings with us privately. I will keep the site up and the podcast out there just in case someone stumbles on it and finds it meaningful, it’s here for them.

For now, I am going to continue to find myself by losing and shedding that which I think I know, and allow myself to be moved by new ideas and questions. My season for listening has just started.

However, all is not lost. While I am still don’t consider myself a Christian these days, I am excited to be aware now, there are people that carry a kind of Christianity that I would be proud of—a Christianity that I wish I experienced earlier. After all, I still might be a part of that. But that isn’t my story. For now, I will continue to ground myself, find connections and consider the birds.

So long and thanks for all the fish.¹

Photo by Etienne Girardet on Unsplash

That’s why we want to hear from you! We are looking for folks who have the following experiences and want to talk about:

• What it is like to be part of an evangelical church while being part of the LGBTQIA+ community
• Moving from evangelical to atheism
• Changed to a different or new religion

If you are interested in sharing your story, please reach out to Lindsay or me using the emails listed below. 👇️

TW: suicide.

Photo by Nik Shuliahin 💛💙 on Unsplash

When I was a teenager; I had thoughts of suicide.¹ I was in a controlling relationship, and I did not now how to say “no.” I was conflict avoidant and escaping life seemed easier than setting boundaries at 13 years old. There was this song, Tired of Being Alive by Danzig. In it there is a lyric that I would pause, rewind and play over and over:

And I’m tired of being alive
Spite of the bleeding

Rocking myself to sleep, listening to this refrain—a kind of reverse-mantra—were words that kept me alive. It was the first time I began to use music as catharsis, or cleansing. The words helped me feel seen and understood. They took the pain away.² Of course, I wasn’t aware of that as a young teenager. Yet, it explains that the kinds of music I grew to love. Music that helped me through the complexities of adolescence.

Music continues to help me. Everytime I am experiencing emotions that might seem to much—fear, stress, anger—I am able to quell them to tolerable levels. Music helped me think about my spiritual trauma and deconstruction. Sometimes they were specific phrases that stick out, that give me pause:

I’ve been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand

Other times they can be chord progressions or moods. Tempos or rhythms. Music is still therapeutic.

Here is a playlist that I have started to create to showcase it. This is just for me, and I don’t expect many to pick up on it necessarily. But you never know. Enjoy.

What about you? Does music help? What songs or albums bring you peace? Feel free to share in the comments below.

Lindsay and I have spent significant effort keeping our stories “generic.” In our anecdotes, we have not named the churches we’ve been employed at or named specific people—not to be deceptive but rather to be more relatable to others who might have also had similar experiences. We plan on keeping that policy, but in this episode, we will be talking about Donald Trump and our personal observations of the white evangelical response.

2016 will not be an episode about politics. We acknowledge that we have biases and particular political leanings but resist being drawn into political categories. However, it would be silly to approach this subject by saying we are impartial.

In episode 4, Apostles of Unbelief, we discussed the celebrity effect that Rhett and Link had on the evangelical community. Are they complicit in others’ apostasy? Can or should celebrities have that much sway over our belief systems?

Next, in episode 5, I Want To Believe, I discussed how I was affected by the celebrity preaching of a mega-church pastor. We discussed why I responded to such teachings and what it means when we do.

In episode 6, 2016, we will publish published the final “trilogy” on this topic. We examined the political climate we found ourselves in and how the media may have contributed to creating a demagogue. Finally, knowing what we know about the desire to believe, what happens when we allow ourselves to be moved by people, and how can we grow from it?

Desiring God tries to answer that question in their February 15th article, What Does ‘Deconstruction’ Even Mean?¹:

Deconstruction is a critical dismantling of a person’s understanding of what it means to be an evangelical Christian, and in some cases a refusal to recognize as authorities those perceived as occupying privileged evangelical institutional positions who “supposedly speak for God.”

It is a good article. It gives some background on the philosophical history of the term “deconstruction” and why it was quickly adopted and focused on religions.

In my view, spiritual deconstruction is made up of multiple parts. There is a mental component. There is a spiritual component. There’s even a physical component. There’s also an abstract component, one that is more philosophical. It’s not just about being smart, but it’s about how you think about certain things. That might be splitting hairs but for someone like me, thinking about the differences between “smartly believing in something” or “believing in something smartly” is pretty big. For someone like my wife feeling those differences has more weight than knowing the differences though she’s good at both. The philosophical, the mental, the feeling, the intuitive, and the abstract—those exist in the periphery to the lion’s share of what we experience as it relates to both spiritual experiences and religion.

It’s the difference between “having a feeling in your gut” and “knowing the thing in your mind” and their relationship with what was written about before, from a traditional standpoint or, shall I say, an orthodox perspective, in addition to reconciling any of those differences from the cultural or socio-economic reality that we all live in. There is a biological function too!—religion has priests that can affect a population.² So all of these things are in play when we begin to take Jacques Derrida’s point of view about deconstruction.

What do I mean by “spiritual deconstruction?” It’s not like I am at a place where I want to say fuck religion—it has no value—although, I am nearly there. But that’s not exactly where I’m at. I’m not at the “God doesn’t exist” place, though I did flirt with that for a bit. I’m also not at the place where I can say for a fact what God is like and how God interacts with the world and with me. That’s unknown as well.

Spiritual deconstruction for me is about losing the answers that I had that were anchored in systematic theology…

and asking anew about every truth I encounter from now on, probing them for a deeper meaning and understanding. I believe there is a more nuanced perspective than “Do you believe?” or “Do you not believe?” or “The jury is still out.” The three classic choices between being a theist, an atheist, or an agnostic don’t seem to cut it in this post-postmodern age. I’m coming to a place where I’m trying to lose the answers that I’ve had, and instead of seeking answers,

I am seeking questions.

Spiritual deconstruction, for me, is more about understanding that I am in that process of trying to live in a way that is graceful and kind to one another and myself and ultimately understanding that my perspective is limited.

A classic thought exercise regarding Christianity is Pascal’s Wager. Simply put, if God is true, then it’s good to follow the Bible³. If God is not true, it’s still good to follow the Bible because you will have been a good person along the way and if you die and it’s not true, then no one is none the wiser. However, I think the premise is a bit shallow these days. Today’s zealous believers impact not only their lives but those of others because of those physical components I mentioned earlier—manifesting in conservative or liberal laws for example. Battle lines are being drawn. People are dying.⁴ It’s not just a simple wager.

I’m starting this podcast to have conversations about these topics and to share my experiences with others. It’s a time of self-reflection for me and my wife, and my relationship with her and our family. The format is informal. I don’t have the correct answers; I’m not even looking to assert the correct answers. I’m looking for a community with which I can share some of these thoughts and ideas.

I’m hoping some will take the time to listen, read, contribute, and ultimately, connect. We are not alone.

What does spiritual deconstruction mean to you?